07 October 2010

Why BLUE?

A week ago, I posted an entry about me feeling BLUE. And as promised, here I am now trying to dissect why. It's been a few days and thank GOD, I was able to gather words and put them altogether here.

In my recent posts, I keep on mentioning about lost friendships, etc and yes, this is indeed a friendship that is at the brink of falling out and I guess it really has to end soon. My reasons? I got tired of chasing. I got tired of trying to bridge the gap. I got tired of trying to make it work again. We built friendship and we spent six (6) joyous months just by being happy. We chatted. We talked. We laughed. I was more of a listener which I did enjoy doing and I was a bit of a comforter when the other party got confused. I think I was even a counselor too! However, a trial rocked the friendship. I was solely blamed for it. Those 5 joyous months was outnumbered by seven (7) grueling months of trying to get the friendship back. I begged, I asked, but no action was taken. Silence was the most painful part of the ordeal like you really don't know how the other person is feeling. I was too hopeful because of the assurance that the person will 'always be there' for me. Too bad to realize that it was really just a BIG LIE.

GOD, my family, my work, my friends - so glad that they kept me away from thinking too hard about this ordeal. Moments spent with those 'true' and 'real' people were all superb! Little by little, I gained strength. Each day I face gives me strength. The more I pray to GOD, the more I gained strength. Dealing with people from all walks of life even makes me feel better because I realized that my concern isn't as difficult as theirs.

What made me realized the whole thing? It's when someone of the closest kin warned me not to bother the person anymore cos I might end up getting hurt. Twas like an ice shower was poured all over me when I read her message BUT - I am really, really thankful to her because she's the key opener to how I should really deal with the situation. I admit it was painful reading her message BUT she made me open up my eyes to ever realize everything.

The hurt is still in my heart.
The pain is still there.
But the intensity has lowered, day by day.
I can't wait on the day when I can feel the pain no more.

Living life right now is a bit better. Things have gone better. I am trying to face each new day without ever thinking about the person who really wrecked the friendship himself. The whole experience gave me lessons to learn. I gained strength. I was never a coward but in fact became braver. Thanks to this experience for it resharpened the whole of me as I get to spread my 'shiny wings' again.

To the person who once made this friendship special but is not strong enough to fight and save the friendship, you just honed me to become a strong and a fearless woman who's not afraid to fight with life. =)

Photo: AyieHernandezPhotography

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